I already hid a love
for fear of losing it,
I already lost a love
for hiding it.
I've already held someone's hands
out of fear,
I've been so scared,
to the point of not even
feeling my hands.
I already expelled people
I loved from my life,
I already regretted it.
I've spent nights
crying myself to sleep,
I've gone to sleep so happy,
to the point that
I can't even close my eyes.
I've already believed
in perfect loves,
I've discovered that
they do not exist.
I've loved people
who let me down,
I've let people down
who loved me.
I've spent hours
in front of the mirror
trying to find out who I am,
I've been so sure of myself,
to the point of
wanting to disappear.
I already lied
and regretted it later,
I already spoke the truth
and I also regretted it.
I already pretended
not to give importance
to the people I loved,
only to cry quietly
in my corner later.
I've smiled
crying tears of sadness,
I've cried with laughter.
I already believed in people
who weren't worth it,
I stopped believing in people
who were really worth it.
I've had fits of laughter
when I couldn't control.
I've broken plates,
cups and vases, with anger.
I've missed someone so much,
but I never told them.
I've screamed
when I should shut up,
I've shut up when I should scream.
Many times I stopped saying
what I think to please some,
other times I said
what I didn't think to hurt others.
I have already pretended
to be what I am not
to please some,
I have already pretended
to be what I am not
to displease others.
I have already told jokes
and more dull jokes,
just to see a happy friend.
I have already invented stories
with a happy ending
to give hope to those in need.
I have already dreamed too much,
to the point of
confusing it with reality ...
I was already afraid of the dark,
today in the dark
"I think, I crouch, I stay there".
I have fallen several times
thinking that I would not rise,
I have risen numerous times
thinking that I would not fall.
I've already called
whom I didn't want
just to not call
whom I really wanted.
I already ran after a car,
because it took away,
whom I loved.
I already called for Mom
in the middle of the night
fleeing a nightmare.
But she didn't show up
and it was a bigger nightmare.
I have already called people
close to "friend"
and discovered that
they were not ...
Some people never had to call anything
and they always were
and will be special to me.
Don't give me the right formulas,
because I don't expect to get it right.
Do not show me what is expected of me,
because I will follow my heart!
Don't make me be what I'm not,
don't invite me to be the same,
because I'm honestly different!
I don't know how to love in half,
I don't know how to live with lies,
I don't know how to fly with my feet on the ground.
I'm always myself,
but I certainly won't be the same forever!
I like the slowest poisons,
the bitterest drinks,
the most powerful drugs,
the most insane ideas,
the most complex thoughts,
the strongest feelings.
I have a voracious appetite and the wildest delusions.
I've learnt when not to fight even if the whole world pushes me to fight.
-Shushanto Paul